When we give up authority, we teach our kids to look down on us instead of looking up to us.

By: Brad Cullum, MA, LPC, EMDR

When my son was 5 years old, my wife and I began to see changes in him that terrified us at times.  We had many discussions believing the movie The Exorcist was real, and in our home.  We thought our son was possessed.  He seemed triggered by everything, which in turned triggered us, as well.  We didn’t know what to do.  Then, one day he was having another 5 year old meltdown and I realized, an epiphany if you will, that I was the problem.  I was the trigger.  My reactions to my 5 year old, I begrudgingly had to admit, were like a 5 year old.  I became childlike, which was not comforting to him and not productive to us as a family.  I gave up my authority as a father and a guide to my son.  I did not fully understand my role as an emotionally mature parent.

We, as parents, often forget what our role is.  It’s easy for us to fall victim to fear and believe the only way to have our kids turn out “right” is by force.  We want them to act and think as we do.  Often times, we forget a step in parenting, we forget the teaching step.  Teaching comes before expecting.  When the teaching step is skipped, we might get angry, pout or any number of manipulative tactics to teach our kids that there is only one acceptable way to behave, think, or accomplish.  We become childlike, forfeiting our influence and authority that comes with just being the parents.  

If at early ages in our children’s lives, we guide them to think and ask questions, our children will learn to be thoughtful and not become Lemmings, jumping off the cliff without discernment.  They will lean into us instead of leaning away.  We have much more influence in their lives than we realize.  We must not work so hard to be authoritarian, rather be a guiding light to discovery.  Children count on us to take them places and through experiences they have never been.  Allow them the ability to make mistakes.  If children learn the truth, they will come back to it if they stray.

As our children go through stages of life we must use our experience to help them through it.  To do this, we must recognize what stage our children are currently in and respond accordingly.  It is important that we stay emotional adults and not revert back to the stage of life that our children are in, as I did when my son was 5 years old.  What are we teaching them?  They are learning from us in all aspects of life. Children count on us to display what is expected of them. We, as parents, teach them how to treat their friends, their future spouses and their future children.  Consequently, reverting back to childlike behavior sets into motion a perpetual set of habits — those childlike behaviors that will surely be repeated for generations.  

In conclusion, parents establish authority by modeling what an emotionally mature adult looks like.  When we do not stay in the emotional adult role during heated situations, we give up that authority by teaching our kids to look down on us instead of looking up to us.  We don’t have to be authoritarian to have authority.

ARE YOU SEEKING HELP WITH TEENS, FAMILY ISSUES OR PARENTING?

Brad Cullum is a Professional Counselor working in Argyle, Texas.  He provides therapy for those struggling with issues related to communication, parenting, teen issues, family issues, and more.  He is the Owner of Harvest Counseling & Wellness and Co-Founder of Redeemed Life Counseling, LLC.  His office is located near Denton, Highland Village, Flower Mound, Lantana, Roanoke, and Justin.  If you are looking for a therapist in the Argyle area, contact him today for a complimentary phone consultation, 940-241-4140.