Understanding Codependency

Free from Codependency

In suffering from codependency, our lives can become unmanageable, creating anxiety and depressive symptoms, which can lead to addictions and relational issues. 

By: Brad Cullum, MA, LPC, EMDR

Codependency isn’t just a clinical term I just throw around.  It has been a part of my personal journey.  As a counselor, I often recognized codependency in others, but never saw it in myself.  Codependency is complex and symptoms can be easily ignored.  

Through intense treatment and training, it was explained to me in simple terms, codependency is when my insides are affected by others’ outsides.  “How simple!”, was my first thought.  “That’s not me!”, was the second thought, “I mean, I’m a strong man”.  “I don’t really care what others think, right?”  On the contrary, codependency is not simple, but it was definitely me.  I had to come to grips that many of my thoughts and struggles revolved around what others thought about me.  I was so consumed with what others thought, I would ruminate and obsess to the point that I would show symptoms of anxiety. I was experiencing chest pains, stomach issues, weight loss, and in some instances, be paralyzed in fear.  I never correlated my health and anxiety to my dependence on the thoughts of others.

WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY?

Codependency is an addiction, an obsession of people, if you will.  These obsessive qualities come in numerous forms: feelings are dependent on being liked by others, approval seeking, relieving others’ pain in order to have self-esteem, fear of rejection determines what you say and do, and putting values aside to be liked by others. These are just a few of many examples of how co-dependency enters our lives, and much of the time we do not realize to the extent that it has infiltrated our everyday.  

Codependency presents as a loss of who we are, taking away self-trust, love, care, and our courage to be assertive.  Many times these qualities are lost in early life when we are taught by caregivers or people of influence to attend to their needs instead of getting our own needs met.  Individuals must perform in a way that gives others what they need and often foregoing what gives them a sense of belonging, identity, and what nurtures the soul.  As a result, we come to realize that we are unable to perform consistently enough to give ourselves fulfillment and a sense of well-being.  As we look to the outside to discover self-worth, we often find ourselves in a cycle of despair that involves self-doubt, perfectionism, depression, guilt, shame, lack of discernment, and poor boundaries, to name a few.  

IDENTIFYING A CODEPENDENT

Codependents may resent those who refuse their help, they offer advice without being asked, attempt to gain favor by buying gifts, struggle to believe others are capable of caring for themselves, insist on telling people how they “should” feel, and/or use sex to get approval.  Each of these are attempts to control others as the co-dependent seeks self-esteem and self-worth.

FINAL THOUGHTS

In suffering from codependency, our lives can become unmanageable, creating anxiety and depressive symptoms, which can lead to addictions and relational issues.  If you find yourself experiencing the patterns and characteristics that accompany codependency, it’s time to take a step toward rediscovery, learning to trust, love, and appropriately asserting your sense of ‘self’.  

ARE YOU SEEKING HELP WITH CODEPENDENCY OR NEED MORE INFORMATION?

Brad Cullum is a Mental Health Counselor working in Argyle, Texas.  He provides therapy for those struggling with issues related to codependency, anxiety, depression, addiction, and relationships.  He is the Owner of Harvest Counseling & Wellness and Co-Founder of Redeemed Life Counseling, LLC.  His office is located near Denton, Highland Village, Flower Mound, Lantana, Roanoke, and Justin.  If you are looking for a therapist in the Denton area, contact him today for a complimentary phone consultation, 940-241-4140.